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After being dumped by his longtime girlfriend, twenty-eight-year-old Justin Halpern found himself living at home with his seventy-three-year-old dad. Sam Halpern, who is "like Socrates, but angrier, and with worse hair," has never minced words, and when Justin moved back home, he began to record all the ridiculous things his dad said to him:

"Pick your furniture like you pick a wife: It should make you feel comfortable and look nice, but not so nice that if someone walks past it they want to steal it."

"Do people your age know how to comb their hair? It looks like two squirrels crawled on their heads and started fucking."

"The worst thing you can be is a liar....Okay, fine, yes, the worst thing you can be is a Nazi, but then number two is liar. Nazi one, liar two."

More than a million people now follow Mr. Halpern's philosophical musings on Twitter, and in this book, his son weaves a brilliantly funny, touching coming-of-age memoir around the best of his quotes. An all-American story that unfolds on the Little League field, in Denny's, during excruciating family road trips, and, most frequently, in the Halperns' kitchen over bowls of Grape-Nuts, Sh*t My Dad Says is a chaotic, hilarious, true portrait of a father-son relationship from a major new comic voice.

Shit They're Saying about Sh*t My Dad Says

"This book is ridiculously hilarious, and makes my father look like a normal member of society." - Chelsea Handler

"If you're wondering if there is a real man behind the quotes on Twitter, the answer is a definite and laugh-out-loud yes." - Christian Lander, New York Times bestselling author of Stuff White People Like

"Read this unless you're allergic to laughing." - Kristen Bell

"Justin Halpern tosses lightning bolts of laughter out of his pocket like he is shooting dice in a back alley. In one sweep of a paragraph, he ranges from hysterical to disgusting to touching -- and does it all seamlessly. Sh*t My Dad Says is a really, really funny and addicting book." - Laurie Notaro, New York Times bestselling author of The Idiot Girls' Action-Adventure Club

"Justin Halpern's dad is up there with Aristotle and Winston F*cking Churchill. He's brilliant, and his son's book is absolutely hilarious." - A. J. Jacobs, New York Times bestselling author of The Know-It-All and The Year of Living Biblically